Dealing with Challenging Clients
Hi everybody - this post is taken from another list. The hypnotherapist is dealing with a challenging client: boundary issues plus confusion about whether to continue seeing her. I have responded at length, and I wanted to share it with you because I felt that this is an issue that we, as caregivers, face at one time or another. You are all welcome to pipe in! Love, Steph p.s. I begin with her post and end with mine.
This is a situation I'm dealing with right now. This client is not "creepy," but I've decided that I need to fire her, and am refunding her money for her prepaid sessions. Over the course of working with her for about six months doing various things ranging from pain management for the arthritis in her back to better sleep and learning self-hypnosis (all of which were successful) she wanted to tackle her weight problem.
I do my weight program in 6-session increments. I get that with this lady it's all about the emotional components, and we already have a good rapport in terms of getting her into quite deep trances, so I dived in at the logical starting place and asked to speak with the part that's causing the weight situation. After the usual spiel I asked the part what it's trying to do for her, if it would be willing to work with me to find another way to meet that need, etc., and the answer was "no." Several different times I tried to find an inroad and each time the response was no. And you had to see the look on her face; not no, maybe later. Not no, I'm afraid to tell you. Just. Plain. No. The "go jump in the lake" sort of no.
When I emerged her she didn't remember anything, but when I described to her the tone of voice and facial expression she used she identified that as a childhood pattern of hers. This was when I should have told her that I would not be able to help her with this, refunded her the rest of the sessions and cut my losses.
I should have done a lot of things differently with this client. Over the course of time this woman has slowly but surely manipulated me until she's in control of the relationship.
For example, after the first session in my office she grimaced and howled about how my chair was so uncomfortable and was killing her arthritis (mind you, this is a very expensive, IMHO very comfortable chair, and people usually sit down and go, wow, great chair) so could we do the sessions at her home instead? This was the first deadly mistake. It seems like a reasonable request: an older lady with an arthritic back who needs a certain type of chair.
In hindsight I see what a load of BS that was. She gets into her favorite chair with her favorite banky over her feet and goes into these really deep trances where she may or may not answer my questions and may or may not respond to my instructions. Sometimes I think she's asleep, but then she responds to an ideomotor. One time when she wasn't following my instructions I got fed up, emerged her and asked her what's the dilly-o. You just had to see how angry she was as she started emerging from the trance. She was furious with me, because she was having fun doing whatever she was doing, and as usual my agenda does not hold her interest. She said that she just enjoys being in the trance because it's really relaxing and it's the only relaxation she gets. She said she just wanted to enjoy the trance, so even though it was a weight management session and she had no intentions of following my agenda for weight management, I foolishly re-inducted her and just did a feel good relaxology blah blah session. Then, magically, she didn't lose weight.
The last time I went to her house for a session, I got there at the appointed time and soon realized she had not blocked off the time for us to work together. Someone else would be dropping by to pick up a dog in a while. Before I had time to wrap my head around that, she started telling me that she had gone to the doctor and has gained weight. It was kind of a one-two punch -- she surprised me by changing the arrangement without telling me, then launched into details about her problem. Before I realized what she was driving at, I responded with several ideas for homework type things that she could do, and avenues we could try to make inroads to the part of her that doesn't want to change. I reminded her that when I spoke with the subconscious part it told me it was unwilling to make the change, and that's the stumbling block we still have. She responded to that by saying that WE are not doing such a good job. Please understand that here in the south, that means YOU are not doing a good job. Mind you, I walked in one time and next to her chair was an empty GALLON of ice cream with a spoon in it. No shame in the game, she didn't even try to throw it away before I got there or anything. She doesn't even try to BS herself by taking a bowl and filling it and going back to get more. The audacity of
this woman stuns me.
This is where I am really realizing my issue and how it stands in the way of my practice. This woman's little headgame is identical to my mother's (I am estranged from her with very good reason). When I stepped outside I realized how seriously she had manipulated me, and that she has managed to place the responsibility for her change on me. I responded to her the same way I historically responded to my mother, by trying to work harder to please her. This is absolutely my problem, and I'm open to suggestions. At this point the boundaries are so jacked up with her that I don't see a way to fix it. I'm done with her manipulative crap, taking up huge amounts of my time and her refusal to be accountable for her life. I'm not looking forward to firing her (or refunding her money, ouch) but it's what must be done. Maybe just the experience of having me drop it back in her lap and walk away will provoke enough of a crisis for her to get over herself, but I wouldn't bet the mortgage money.
So my questions for the group are, what methods do you use for determining a client's willingness to do the work and be accountable for the results? What red flags do you look for? Given that each person thinks and responds differently, how much variation in response do you allow when giving instructions? What would you have done with a pain management client who said your chair was too uncomfortable and could you see them in their home?
My response to her:
It sounds like you have done some amazing work with your client. My hat is off to you. I also see this situation as a potential for serious growth for you in several ways:
1) You learn to create better boundaries (in work and in your personal life).
2) You learn to adjust your agenda to meet the needs of your client (and so you end up having a very happy life, indeed; - )
3) You get to keep helping your client, keep the money, and not burn any bridges.
4) You can release some of your mother stuff (wouldn't that be great!)
1) I don't think there's anything wrong with going to a client as long as a) you consider your time and make sure you take care of yourself on that, b) you are VERY CLEAR with your client as to your boundaries, and c) you are VERY CLEAR with your client as to your boundaries. Yes, I meant to write that twice. I should write it hundred times, because I can't stress the importance of it. You must take care of your needs, but you also must communicate how things have to go, and then don't deviate from that (or explain why you're deviating from it). In other words, don't keep your needs a secret, and make sure you know what they are (so that you're both happy). And make sure your client understands about personal responsibility, but if she's not following through, kindly ask her why, and what you can do to help her with that. Remember, about your time, kindly explain that if she chooses to make changes regarding your agreed treatment time, you will have to charge her, regardless of what goes on in the session (or not). She's testing her boundaries with you, and so I come back to "b" and "c" a hundred times: Be clear with your boundaries.
2) I have a client who enjoys hypnosis just for hypnosis' sake. Sometimes we deal with issues and sometimes we just do hypnosis for relaxation and stress relief. Here's the thing, stress causes multiple problems for people, one of which is a need to satisfy the stress with food. You would be a much happier camper if you got yourself (and your own agenda) out of the way, and found out what your client's agenda is, and followed that. Give a directive to her subconscious mind (since she is such a wonderful deep trance subject) that her subconscious mind will give her the best course of treatment and that you will both follow it. If she doesn't want to work on the weight stuff that day, so what? Go with the flow. If she's testing you by leaving empty cartons of ice cream around, ask yourself what is the message she is trying to send. I understand your frustration, I do. But you must ask yourself why you are so charged by her actions, and why she is allowed to push your buttons so readily. You know EFT, yes? Tap on yourself for your frustration. Understand that you're just experiencing a trance in the form of age regression of your own.... she reminds you of your mother.... but she's not. And remember, no one can manipulate you unless you choose to be manipulated.
3) You went into this business to help people. This is a person who needs help. If you don't think you can help her, you should give her her money back. But if you still think you can help her (if you could get out of your way), then by all means, do it. Then everybody wins. Of course, sometimes folks are impossible, and you will never be able to please (or help) them. This could be one of those cases (but it doesn't seem like it is, as evidenced by all the help you HAVE given her. Don't go into a negative hallucination trance FORGETTING TO REMEMBER all the help you have given her). But if you go it with an exploratory attitude, looking to learn about your client and yourself, you could have a lot of fun! But sometimes, yes, you do need to fire your clients. But ask yourself this: What am I here to learn, and is there a possibility that I could help, and is it worth it? Then you'll have your answer.
4) You obviously have a lot of mother stuff going on. Hey! I know a lot of great hypnotherapists that could help you with that; - ) As I said before, go with an open, learning mind. A zen mind. Step aside and WATCH what's going on in this dynamic between your client and yourself, and then ask yourself: what can I learn about myself from this?
This is a situation I'm dealing with right now. This client is not "creepy," but I've decided that I need to fire her, and am refunding her money for her prepaid sessions. Over the course of working with her for about six months doing various things ranging from pain management for the arthritis in her back to better sleep and learning self-hypnosis (all of which were successful) she wanted to tackle her weight problem.
I do my weight program in 6-session increments. I get that with this lady it's all about the emotional components, and we already have a good rapport in terms of getting her into quite deep trances, so I dived in at the logical starting place and asked to speak with the part that's causing the weight situation. After the usual spiel I asked the part what it's trying to do for her, if it would be willing to work with me to find another way to meet that need, etc., and the answer was "no." Several different times I tried to find an inroad and each time the response was no. And you had to see the look on her face; not no, maybe later. Not no, I'm afraid to tell you. Just. Plain. No. The "go jump in the lake" sort of no.
When I emerged her she didn't remember anything, but when I described to her the tone of voice and facial expression she used she identified that as a childhood pattern of hers. This was when I should have told her that I would not be able to help her with this, refunded her the rest of the sessions and cut my losses.
I should have done a lot of things differently with this client. Over the course of time this woman has slowly but surely manipulated me until she's in control of the relationship.
For example, after the first session in my office she grimaced and howled about how my chair was so uncomfortable and was killing her arthritis (mind you, this is a very expensive, IMHO very comfortable chair, and people usually sit down and go, wow, great chair) so could we do the sessions at her home instead? This was the first deadly mistake. It seems like a reasonable request: an older lady with an arthritic back who needs a certain type of chair.
In hindsight I see what a load of BS that was. She gets into her favorite chair with her favorite banky over her feet and goes into these really deep trances where she may or may not answer my questions and may or may not respond to my instructions. Sometimes I think she's asleep, but then she responds to an ideomotor. One time when she wasn't following my instructions I got fed up, emerged her and asked her what's the dilly-o. You just had to see how angry she was as she started emerging from the trance. She was furious with me, because she was having fun doing whatever she was doing, and as usual my agenda does not hold her interest. She said that she just enjoys being in the trance because it's really relaxing and it's the only relaxation she gets. She said she just wanted to enjoy the trance, so even though it was a weight management session and she had no intentions of following my agenda for weight management, I foolishly re-inducted her and just did a feel good relaxology blah blah session. Then, magically, she didn't lose weight.
The last time I went to her house for a session, I got there at the appointed time and soon realized she had not blocked off the time for us to work together. Someone else would be dropping by to pick up a dog in a while. Before I had time to wrap my head around that, she started telling me that she had gone to the doctor and has gained weight. It was kind of a one-two punch -- she surprised me by changing the arrangement without telling me, then launched into details about her problem. Before I realized what she was driving at, I responded with several ideas for homework type things that she could do, and avenues we could try to make inroads to the part of her that doesn't want to change. I reminded her that when I spoke with the subconscious part it told me it was unwilling to make the change, and that's the stumbling block we still have. She responded to that by saying that WE are not doing such a good job. Please understand that here in the south, that means YOU are not doing a good job. Mind you, I walked in one time and next to her chair was an empty GALLON of ice cream with a spoon in it. No shame in the game, she didn't even try to throw it away before I got there or anything. She doesn't even try to BS herself by taking a bowl and filling it and going back to get more. The audacity of
this woman stuns me.
This is where I am really realizing my issue and how it stands in the way of my practice. This woman's little headgame is identical to my mother's (I am estranged from her with very good reason). When I stepped outside I realized how seriously she had manipulated me, and that she has managed to place the responsibility for her change on me. I responded to her the same way I historically responded to my mother, by trying to work harder to please her. This is absolutely my problem, and I'm open to suggestions. At this point the boundaries are so jacked up with her that I don't see a way to fix it. I'm done with her manipulative crap, taking up huge amounts of my time and her refusal to be accountable for her life. I'm not looking forward to firing her (or refunding her money, ouch) but it's what must be done. Maybe just the experience of having me drop it back in her lap and walk away will provoke enough of a crisis for her to get over herself, but I wouldn't bet the mortgage money.
So my questions for the group are, what methods do you use for determining a client's willingness to do the work and be accountable for the results? What red flags do you look for? Given that each person thinks and responds differently, how much variation in response do you allow when giving instructions? What would you have done with a pain management client who said your chair was too uncomfortable and could you see them in their home?
My response to her:
It sounds like you have done some amazing work with your client. My hat is off to you. I also see this situation as a potential for serious growth for you in several ways:
1) You learn to create better boundaries (in work and in your personal life).
2) You learn to adjust your agenda to meet the needs of your client (and so you end up having a very happy life, indeed; - )
3) You get to keep helping your client, keep the money, and not burn any bridges.
4) You can release some of your mother stuff (wouldn't that be great!)
1) I don't think there's anything wrong with going to a client as long as a) you consider your time and make sure you take care of yourself on that, b) you are VERY CLEAR with your client as to your boundaries, and c) you are VERY CLEAR with your client as to your boundaries. Yes, I meant to write that twice. I should write it hundred times, because I can't stress the importance of it. You must take care of your needs, but you also must communicate how things have to go, and then don't deviate from that (or explain why you're deviating from it). In other words, don't keep your needs a secret, and make sure you know what they are (so that you're both happy). And make sure your client understands about personal responsibility, but if she's not following through, kindly ask her why, and what you can do to help her with that. Remember, about your time, kindly explain that if she chooses to make changes regarding your agreed treatment time, you will have to charge her, regardless of what goes on in the session (or not). She's testing her boundaries with you, and so I come back to "b" and "c" a hundred times: Be clear with your boundaries.
2) I have a client who enjoys hypnosis just for hypnosis' sake. Sometimes we deal with issues and sometimes we just do hypnosis for relaxation and stress relief. Here's the thing, stress causes multiple problems for people, one of which is a need to satisfy the stress with food. You would be a much happier camper if you got yourself (and your own agenda) out of the way, and found out what your client's agenda is, and followed that. Give a directive to her subconscious mind (since she is such a wonderful deep trance subject) that her subconscious mind will give her the best course of treatment and that you will both follow it. If she doesn't want to work on the weight stuff that day, so what? Go with the flow. If she's testing you by leaving empty cartons of ice cream around, ask yourself what is the message she is trying to send. I understand your frustration, I do. But you must ask yourself why you are so charged by her actions, and why she is allowed to push your buttons so readily. You know EFT, yes? Tap on yourself for your frustration. Understand that you're just experiencing a trance in the form of age regression of your own.... she reminds you of your mother.... but she's not. And remember, no one can manipulate you unless you choose to be manipulated.
3) You went into this business to help people. This is a person who needs help. If you don't think you can help her, you should give her her money back. But if you still think you can help her (if you could get out of your way), then by all means, do it. Then everybody wins. Of course, sometimes folks are impossible, and you will never be able to please (or help) them. This could be one of those cases (but it doesn't seem like it is, as evidenced by all the help you HAVE given her. Don't go into a negative hallucination trance FORGETTING TO REMEMBER all the help you have given her). But if you go it with an exploratory attitude, looking to learn about your client and yourself, you could have a lot of fun! But sometimes, yes, you do need to fire your clients. But ask yourself this: What am I here to learn, and is there a possibility that I could help, and is it worth it? Then you'll have your answer.
4) You obviously have a lot of mother stuff going on. Hey! I know a lot of great hypnotherapists that could help you with that; - ) As I said before, go with an open, learning mind. A zen mind. Step aside and WATCH what's going on in this dynamic between your client and yourself, and then ask yourself: what can I learn about myself from this?
Love, Steph
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